Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Commencement

Today was a huge day for me. It was the day I had to don a black gown and put on a cap that barely fit over my head. It was the day I sat in a chair and watched as my fellow students, comrades, grads, and friends (sort of, in a sense) walked across this stage on which sat and stood all the important people, awards, and photographic moments. I would do this myself.

I got to school for the last time in what will be a long time today, and I was met with a shock at first - just surprised at some of the people that were present who weren't other grads or teachers. After walking around and looking about I eventually got my dress together - I was already wearing nice formal clothes but they would be hidden under my black gown for the whole duration - and lined up with other people that came in alphabetical order. After ten minutes of standing in line we eventually walked into the place, feeling hot and sweaty, ahead of an elder playing bagpipes. We sat down.

The thing about being high on the list, in the 'Cs' is that yes, I get to sit near the front and get my stuff short and quick, but afterword I've got the rest of the alphabet to wait out. When I got a programme I found to my surprise that I'd gotten two awards - a faculty one that meant I had the highest mark in English, and a Special one - The "Vice Principal's Award for Merit" or something - and special awards are for only a select few people who were outstanding. So this was big for me. Walking across the stage myself, the master of cerimonies announced my name was well as the awards, and the Principal shook my hand. I then found out that a) My name would be engraved on a metal plate to be included on an award roster - as in, on the wooden apparatus the silver bowl sits on, the metal plate for 2008-2009 would have 'Justin Campbell' on it - and b) My mother was using, for some reason, my film SLR camera for the moment, which had no film and which she likely wouldn't realize to focus it or know how to use it.
Good thing my aunt was using her camera as well.
After the whole thing and I was completely wet I went to take tonnes of photos with teachers and my mother, etc. I recieved a ridiculous, good-natured, awesome present from the Special Edcucation Department - and I meant to missspell "education" because of their sign - and the present was, unwittingly, as a tribute to my running joke about it, the sign itself.
It's going up on my door now.

But among the fact that it's a huge milestone in my life and a big accomplishment and the fact that I got awards (more awards than my lifelong friend Duncan for the first time EVER) the biggest, most greatest thing to me this day was closure.

Closure.

Here's the deal. I have to say this. I will have made numerous, slight references to 'someone,' or 'a girl' or 'embarrassing questions.' Well. Thing is, I will never write her name in this context. Why? Because it's respectful to keep someone's privacy a factor when making any reference or notice of them directly. In previous posts I wrote a story about one grey Thursday in May. "Why did this girl take interest in me?" Well. See, I got some closure. The greatest thing of all that I could ever have today was closure. I said goodbye. I said my last ever goodbye I will ever probably say to her. To enjoy where she was going. To have fun. To have her principal shave her hair to a buzzcut.

If you ever read this, well, I don't want to sound weird or false - I may be going crazy about it, but the reason I find this so awesome and happy and feel so good saying one last farewell is because, well, over time (over "very late, running out of time" time) I began to develop a fondness and liking for you. You seemed quiet and gentle and very kind, and also determined. Yes, I may be ridiculous writing this in a blog where anyone could read it, and I understand that you may feel awkward or weird or have thoughts of why this guy would write this stuff here when it should be more private. But there's no more time to be more personal about it I'm afraid. And honestly, you may not feel the same at all about this whole matter, but I will miss you a lot. I wish I'd come 'round more sooner. But I was helplessly ignorant and looking at other, more extroverted, taken girls and hadn't noticed the girl in the background, the one doing the hard work behind that "Merivale Detention," the one who walked by my English class every morning. I do indeed hope that you are graced with a wonderful life ahead, and wish you all the best. It is too bad that the circumstances are what they are. Really. Again, you may feel way different about everything. I have no idea of knowing. But I know how I feel, and it is a sadness that will remain for awhile but will lift because everyone finds happiness, and I know you will too.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage

-Lao Tzu

Again - I write that because I think it sounds very true and beautiful and meaningful. There wasn't enough time to "fall in love" as they say. But I will miss you for a long time and again, while I may sound weird or overbearing or even creepy, especially since I am writing this here, virtually to the freaking world, I only feel this way because of the wonderful person I've known you to be.

Have a wonderful time and don't forget the great stuff you did here too.

-Justin Campbell

(Okay, I had closure today which was great but now I've really done it!)

3 comments:

Brooke said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Hey Justin,

I found your pictures on flickr (which were really awesome by the way) and then I saw the link to your blog. Call me a creep, but I read most of your blog entries in one sitting. I was rivited. I know a lot about synesthesia and I KNOW it takes a lot of guts to be open and honest about everything. I really respect that...respect you. For all you've said and all you've done, I appreciate it.

- Just a girl

Justin S. Campbell said...

Hi Brooke!

Well...Call me flabbergasted but...yeah! Thanks for reading! You're not a creep at all for reading all my blog entries, I always love to have someone reading/taking an interest in my writing. Thankyou so much, I'm glad you think I'm a great writer. Whoa. I hope life in Calgary is alright, I think the sun comes up from the west there? I could never deal with the turnaround myself.
Thanks very much for your words. After my heart slowed down and I stopped hyperventilating at the wonderous surprise, it is just wonderful. I didn't have a helmut on, but I was sitting down so that was alright.
Keep living life to its fullest,

Justin Scott Campbell (CampbellTrain)